I just wanted to start off saying how great this website is I’ve learned a lot from reading the posts and I’m so grateful for stumbling upon it. Sorry if this is long and all over the place I just wanted to share my experiences and realizations since starting this journey and wanted to know if you had any thoughts.
I’ve been suffering from social anxiety and depression for about 5 years now, and I feel like that is the main reason I started meditating about a year ago. The type of meditation I use is mindfulness. I usually start with deep breaths and then scan my body. I start at the top of my head and “feel” my way down. After that I usually count my breaths, let any thoughts come and then refocus back on my breathing.
While I don’t think I’ve reached enlightenment, I have noticed that I’m more aware of myself and my surroundings. I’m more appreciative of the beauty of nature and find myself admiring the beauty in things I’ve seen everyday, like clouds, the sky, trees, ect. I’m also more aware of my feelings and how tense I could be. Breathing has been a life saver for me I never knew that simply taking deep breaths could do wonders for stress and muscle tension. I’m not a very spiritual or religious person, but I do know there’s something more than this solid meat suit we call a body. I can feel an energy beneath the surface, especially when I meditate and do the body scan. I’ve always accompanied the feeling in my body as empty, but since discovering this “energy” inside me it gives me a sort of electric, alive feeling, like there’s something more to me inside.
I’ve also noticed how my anxiety has held me back from things. Throughout the years I’d adopted a woe is me attitude and would cry myself to sleep wondering why my life was the way it was. I stay home a lot, don’t have any friends, and have never had a relationship. I felt like I was missing out on life and didn’t know how to get out there and just live. I’m usually very distant and cold with people because I feel like I either don’t know what to say, or that I have nothing to say at all. I’m terribly afraid of rejection and what people might think of me. I’m unsure of myself most of the time so I tend to keep my thoughts in my head instead of expressing them. This causes me to avoid people that I feel like I might enjoy talking to and to stay at home because I feel like there’s no one for me to hang out with and I’m afraid of being seen out alone. While I now recognize that these fears are not necessary and that they are holding me back from living, I can’t help feeling it and the anxiety that comes along with it. That’s what I’m hoping the meditation will help me with, is to diminish the heart-pounding, tightness of chest and fidgeting feelings that accompany my anxiety so that I can feel more free.
I feel trapped like I’m not living the life I’m supposed to be living. I feel like I’m really a person who's more spontaneous, seeks adventure, more talkative and someone who wants to experience new things, but I feel like I haven’t done much, in comparison to things I’ve wanted to do. There’s a lot of unsureness about me, like
Another part of my becoming more self-aware was experiencing being in love for the first time. There was someone in my life that made me feel very comfortable and safe while in their presence, I felt like I could be more myself with this person than with anyone. They have hurt me emotionally multiple times but I could still feel that unconditional love for them, even now that they’re no longer in my life, I still feel it. I was never really a romantic person but since discovering that feeling I’ve started to crave intimacy with someone. It’s made me realize that the feeling was there inside me this whole time and that there are other things inside of me that I don’t notice yet, but want to find. I guess the whole point of this is that I’m wondering how do I find my true inner voice and find the courage to follow it without being so indecisive. I want to find my path that feels right to me and that can open doors for me to become who I really am and enjoy life.